Saturday, July 17, 2010

A little update

I haven't been around much lately, because, well...I've felt I can't just jump back into chronicling our daily lives when something so massive and so tragic has happened in our family. I don't know that I will EVER get over Hadlei's death. And if I feel that way, how on earth must her mama feel? At first, I was so angry. I was so bitter. I asked God WHY He chose to take her. That was not how we wanted it to go. We had made plans for great big cookout to introduce the girls to our family, since we were to be coming home about the same time. I never got to meet Hadlei while she was still on this earth. I cannot tell you how guilty I feel about that. There wasn't anything I could do -- we were still in Orlando at Childrens. We came home on Wednesday & Hadlei passed on Saturday. I feel so guilty that I brought June home and Britni didn't get to bring Hadlei home. I FEEL SO GUILTY. I feel almost ashamed. I KNOW that's not of God. He would not put those feelings in me. I know it will take time for our family to heal. Time is not something I am fond of. I want to control it all by myself. Well...guess the sooner I learn to not want control, the easier my life will be.

The funeral was beautiful. Our cousin, Brandon, is a fairly new preacher and he preached the service. He did a wonderful job. He kept the message clear of how one gets to Heaven while honoring Hadlei's life. Two of the saddest points of the service: they played "Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star" as the family was being seated, and Britni sang "Lean on Me" (the song she had always sang to Hadlei in the hospital) at the end of the graveside ceremony. I will never forget those moments. Please, please continue to remember Britni in your prayers, and the rest of our family. We'll never be the same again, that's for sure -- and I mean that we'll be BETTER because of Hadlei. She healed many hurts in our family and she showed us strength that will be carried down for generations. We have said over and over again that we are put here on this earth for a reason. When that reason is completed, we are taken home to be with Jesus. Hadlei competed her reason time and time again in her 6 weeks of life. Some people spend their WHOLE LIVES struggling to do that. What a wonderful little girl.

On a slightly happier note, today was my due date. Instead of having a newborn, I have a little girl who is 4 days shy of her 3 month birthday! She is happy, healthy, and thriving and we could not be more thankful. God is good all the time, and all the time God is good!

I'm still working on getting our house back in order. The list of "to-do" just keeps growing and growing. There's grass to be cut (again), a yard to be weedeated, flowerbeds to be cleaned out, shrubs to be trimmed, a garage to be cleaned out, a car to be washed and detailed, two little girls rooms to be decorated, carpet to be shampooed, walls to be painted, and bills to be paid. ONE DAY it will all be done, right?!

1 comment:

Paula Kathlyn said...

I can't even imagine how you feel right now. But you have to remember that you did nothing wrong. God has a plan, even when we don't understand it! You have 2 beautiful little girls and you should be so happy and proud of your miracles. I will continue to pray for your cousin. God can heal and bring great things out of our tragedies. Hang in there :)