Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Just be

I'm up early this morning. I'm running about two hours of sleep...trying to get things done late last night, then June having an "awake" night, and having to get up early this morning just do not mix. But I'm not complaining...because that means I have places to go, babies to care for, and a house that needs housework constantly.

So anyway, I had to run out to the car this morning to grab something (about 5 am) and I was struck by how beautiful the sky was. I just stood there in my driveway, staring at it. It was so calm and peaceful. I can not get over how beautiful it was. I haven't saw the night sky like that in quite some time. I used to walk from the Ronald McDonald House to the hospital in Florida in the wee hours of the morning, but Orlando sky isn't small-town Alabama sky. :) I long for those night time walks again. Isn't that crazy? That I long for something from such a painful time in my life? I do, though. I long for it because I had the best talks with God then. It was like He was walking right next to me, in human form. I'd ask Him why He did this, why He made this happen, why couldn't it have been different...and time after time after time, He would answer: "Because this is your testimony. This is going to bring great things to you and yours."

Come on, God...THIS? This is going to bring great things? Okay, so this is my testimony. I'm proud of that. But great things? How can such SUFFERING bring great things?

And then He showed me...over and over...the great things. They happen one by one. My marriage is stronger. I have more patience with my girls. I'm more thankful for the little things in life. My anxiety? Gone. Healed. Judgmental ways? They are just a memory.

While I was out there this morning, my mind went to Hadlei, as it often does these days. I never got to meet Hadlei on this Earth -- but I cannot WAIT to meet her in Heaven. I can't wait to hear her sweet little voice (that was one thing I always longed for with my girls -- I wanted to hear what they sounded like) cry for her mama. I just stared up into Heaven and thought, "Hadlei is THERE. She's where I want to go." She's there where it's forever peaceful. She knows no loved ones going to war, and not returning. She knows no emotional pain of family members being less than stellar. She knows no limitations, she can run, she can play, her heart is WHOLE! She has a spleen. There's no worry of infection. Her intestines are not twisted. She's PERFECT. But she always was. Perfectly made in the image of God, and put on this Earth to bring her mama back to Christ and to draw our family closer together. "Blessed be the tie that binds" -- and Hadlei was definitely blessed. Please remember her mama & our family as she/we are still grieving.

I'm really nervous this morning. June Claire has an eye appointment to check on her RoP. Every time she's had it before, she's dropped her heart rate very low and/or stopped breathing several times. When I finally did sleep last night, I had nightmares the whole time. I know Jesus is in control, but our human nature is to be concerned. Please remember her in prayer today.

I encourage you to take moments in your day where you're soley in the moment, whatever it may be. Society has us forever looking forward to that next big thing...but try to just stop and enjoy your husbands hand in yours as you cross the street, or your babies cry because they're hungry, or the squeal of laughter as your children play hide-and-seek in the house. Don't get irritated that your dog has tracked in mud...be thankful for the rain that caused the mud. You get what I'm saying. Take a moment to just be. :)


Sara said...

Great post! Hope your day goes smoothly.

His Jules said...

Wow Steph - such great insights. Let us know how June's eye appt comes out. Love you,