Friday, September 21, 2012

let me tell you about love

When I got married, I thought I knew what love was.
I said, "I don't know how I can love you any more than I do right now."
When we celebrated our first anniversary, alone in England, I said
"How on earth do I love you more now than I did back then?"
When Sara, and then June Claire, joined our family
I said, "I never knew love until this very moment."
But over the past 10 months, I have truly come to know love in an entirely different degree.
Love is...
- being told your sister has leukemia over the phone while you're making a flying trip home to be with her and holding it together so your niece won't worry about her aunt.
- begging the doctors togive your daughter your kidney because hers have failed.
And then, when they say she won't make it through the surgery, you forget about "taking it like a man" and fall apart like the scared daddy you are because your child is dying.
- coming into your daughters room and singing,"You Are My Sunshine" because that was her favorite song as a child and not even caring that she's 26, can barely open her eyes, can't speak and you're not even sure she knows you or hears you. But it's still all worth it for the faint smile you get.
Mama, I wish you could have seen my soul shining.
- never leaving your wife's bedsid for 3 months, except for the rare weekend you spend with your children or the week that you are sick and aren't allowed near her.
- making the 3+ hour drive once a week, sometimes twice, to visit your family member or friendso that she won't feel alone....even though you may only get to be in her room for 5 minutes.
- leaving in the week hours of a Monday morning when you get "the call" and packing our the ICU waiting room like doctors have never seen before. And staying there, with bated breath, continuously praying for something, anything, to change.
- reading the book of Ruth to your daughter/wife/sister/cousin countless times because it is the ONLY thing that can calm her in the late night hours when the medicine is messing with her mind.
- encouraging your wife from the other side of the curtain that she CAN go to the bathroom by herself if she prays & puts her mind to it...and then tearing up when she pees on her own for the first time
after WEEKS of hoping and praying. And immediately start making phone calls. Yes, friends, that REALLY happened and I am NOT ashamed to share it!
- describing everything you see so that your loved one can know the beauty of life when she can't see it for herself.
- inviting two small children and two teenagers into your house to make Christmas cookies and do all sorts of Christmas-themed activities because their mama is in a hospital and can't be with them on Christmas.
- recording all said Christmas activiites so that your sister can listen to them when she comes home...
never thinking she will be able to see them.
- Spending countless hours working with your patient to get her to be able to walk again, and then being able to walk out the door by her side as she leaves to go home after a long 3 months.
- sitting upright beside your wife & daughter and absolutely losing it because you never thought you would get that opportunity again.
- crying at your sisters post-op appointment when she says
"I can see your hand waving in front of my face!
I can see your WHOLE HAND!"
- putting your own lives on hold to make sure your cousin/sister/wife/daughter
gets to chemo every day for months on end
This is only just a handful of the reasons I know what love really is now.
By no means is this everything, & I'm sure I've left so many things out.
Ten months ago today I started this journey.
I'm thankful for each and every single step of the way
and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat
because it has greatly helped my family.


Susan Miller said...

In tears here. Praise God!

HappyascanB said...

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. What beautiful love that has been lavished upon you!!

Fairhope Supply Co. said...

Bless you and your family always.

God is good.